This Ain't Your Grandpa's Tool Shed

Please turn back now if you're under the age of 18, or sex toys offend you:

... you have been warned.

Preface: I have friends who work the graveyard shift (or they're insomniacs). Sometimes they get bored. Sometimes, I spend the wee morning hours messing around with them online, like a big happy game of cyber-tag...

Or cyber-"I tagged you with something outrageous, see if you can one-up me."




"Ahoy, matey! Call me Ahab! Thar she blows.... oh, nevermind."



This looks horrifying until you scroll down the stats section and realize it's only 1.5 ft. tall ("assembly required").




But wait! Here's a lovely little soldering gun with holder in girl-friendly pink!





Maybe not.





This one is very Shaun's-uniform-fetish after dark (and I think Chuck would laugh at it too):



Like Dr. Steel (TM) taking over the world, one "goody cabinet" at a time.








Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous!!! If you require heavy machinery, you need to GIVE "IT" A REST!!! Just because you beat the crap out of it [pun intended] before and it bounced back doesn't mean it's going to stay that way!!
Didn't your mother ever tell you that if you keep making that face, it'll freeze like that?!






Okay: stop. Just... stop.

At this point my horror movie-saturated mind pictures mechanical failure resulting in multiple stabbings. It also makes me think there's a room full of heterosexual, male engineering geeks out there who've watched too many episodes of Jackass.








OW OW OW!!! OH SWEET CHRIST! *THAT'S IT!* I'm finishing this wine and calling it a night!!

I have GOT to start going to bed before 4 a.m.

Thank You For Bein' a Friend

Puppy,

How do I adore thee?
Let me count the ways:

You never perceived a difference,
A separation between 'you' and 'me';

You just kept on 'til I answered the call.
You never gave up on me.

You pushed when I pushed back,
Gave me the necessary 'reality attack'
When you pissed me off, you kept me afloat;

Practical and fair, you were there.

How you knew what I needed...

Perhaps it was just your way:
Being real fixed me today.

I never would have pressed on
If you hadn't pushed me up.

You are a good friend and an example
Of what 'support' truly means;
It's the little things which make
More than a simple human being.

Thank you, Puppy. You are one in a million.

Happy Birthday, Little One

Happy birthday, Sweetie! It's your special day! Do want a puppy?





How about a kitty?






Something more exotic?






Well, lets start the celebration with a creamy treat! To the outdoor market, everyone!
Oh, look! Ice Cream!

Okay, just this once, Sweetie, you get to double-fist the cones. Remember to breathe through your nose...






Don't deep-throat it, honey, you'll get brain freeze.


(Big thanks to Puppy for this one... Messed up, dude.)

Candy and Robots

This one's for Puppy, who loves robots and says "gummy buffalo" with an Eastern European accent... Which always makes me laugh until I'm winded ("Is that so wrong?" LOL):


ITT VAN A GUMIMACI (The Gummy Bear Song - Hungarian version)


Giving my source credit where it's due, I yanked this from Brother Walrus, who posted the lyrics on his site... Pay him a visit if you can't understand what the fudge they're saying.

Interior Skeletal Chic

I'm thinking of redecorating the Dogg Cave, and this designer is my first choice:




So cozy and dark and inviting...






These are all promotion stills from HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland.

For those of you who do not recognize the style, think lots of pointy teeth, acidic blood, and 6 major motion pictures:

"Giger’s third and most famous book, Necronomicon, published in 1977, served as the visual inspiration for director Ridley Scott’s film Alien, Giger's first film assignment, which earned him the 1980 Oscar for the Best Achievement in Visual Effects for his designs of the film's title character and the stages of its lifecycle, plus the film’s the otherworldly environments. Giger's other film works include Poltergeist II, Alien3 and Species."
~ www.hrgiger.com


The bar is not open late, which is a bummer because this could be the most enticing Darkwave/Goth club decor in the history of human kind.

If you get the chance to visit, please let me know if the food and service match the ambiance.

Just watch out for the hostess: she's a real bitch....





(Thanks, yet again, to Puppy for the 'heads up'.)

Pink is the New Freaky

Ever think Darth Vader was just a bit too dark?

His basic black, although a stunning example of Quasi-Bondage Goth Daywear, may have been more appropriate to the 1980's punk and underground scene than to the prefabricated, American-Idolized kiddies of today who are pressed out of the mold faster than Pimpercrombie & Bitch can say 'lawsuit'.

Darth, sweetie, how about updating that classic look with a splash of color and some iconography which speaks to a broader audience?

Now even little Suzie - age 4 - can be lured into the Wars merchandising machine.

And don't forget to accessorize!

That's it ladies. See? Epic intergalactic battles and semiautomatic sub-machine gun fire isn't just for boys, anymore!

But you don't have to lose your femininity. Think Gene Harlow, think Gretta Garbo, think...

Dita Von Teese

...Looking fabulous in faux fur and oozing silver screen chic, there is no doubt that pink can be perfect....

Of course, recreating this look outside of an international, multi-million dollar centerfold magazine studio can lead to dire impoverished results:

"Love your pets; just don't LOVE your pets."

(Props to Puppy for another photographic dose of amusing blog fodder.)

15 Years From Menopause and My Parents Still Want to Powder My Butt

Dear Birth-Givers,

You need to cut the F-ing cord.

Seriously.

I owe you everything: my life (more than once), my health, my somewhat secure financial state, half the meager possessions in my rat-hole apartment.

However, this does not give you the right to pretend that I am still an accessory in your ecru-drenched, white bread, whites' only, swallow-your-emotions, yuppie universe.


Logging into my AOL account and reading all the subject lines (perhaps more)?

NOT cool.


Calling my banker and asking him to transfer money between my accounts?

NOT cool.


To help you understand exactly how far you've stepped over the line, I've made some signs in big black magic marker, so they'll be easy to spot:





Just so you know: all of the behaviors and life-goals you worked so hard to instill in me have not been a waste.

On my next visit home, I'm bringing a serious, very special someone.

It's a man.
(*whew*)

He's white.
(*gasp! what other choice was there!*)

His family are upper middle class Catholics.
(*well, not Protestant, but at least she got a non-crazy Christian.*)

He's employed as a computer systems analyst with a six-figure salary.
(*Thank god, she came to her senses.*)

He drives a black BMW.
(*Hmmm... What series/model?*)

And he has a great sense of humor.
(*No cursing, we hope.*)


I took this when we were shopping for matching black leather belts with silver spikes:



I know you will give Razor and I your blessing.

If not, that's cool.

We'll just move to Portland with his polyamorous girlfriend and buy a house big enough for his weekend metal band, my wiener dog farm, and Trixzy's pole-dancing workshop.


(Special thanks to L. for passing along the pics. Perfect timing, Puppy.)