"Thrift Shop Feat. Wanz" Is My Crack

Cannot. Stop. Watching. WHY!?!?!?!

Because: "This is f**king awesome."  And I smile every. freaking. time.





I don't know about the quality of their other creations... I just keep hitting Replay on this one.
Makes me as happy as this one:

And if you're a hipster dissin' on pop culture: suck it. I'll keep dancing around my living room like I'm still 20 ;p

Anderson Cooper Has a Sense of Humor

Just your average AC360 video clip on CNN.com... Then, suddenly, Subway's 12 inches (about halfway through):

Mr. Cooper's friendship with comedienne Kathy Griffin has cogent cause.

Angry Vegan Chef

I'm not giving any opinion on eating lifestyles, I just find Vegan Black Metal Chef videos very humorous.

Merry [belated] Holidays! Here's some delicious blasphemy:

Makes me want to dust off my metal albums and bake some mutherf**king cake... Or just eat frosting off the blade off of my cobra sword cane.

Dachshund Funnies

Bred to hunt badgers and other subterranean varmints, dachshunds were born to purpose, stocky and muscular with thick limbs.
Over one hundred and fifty years later, humans have bred them down into smaller, stubby-legged wigglers, who are more silly lap dog than professional hunter... Although many a pet rodent has lost their lives to the household wiener dog.




This is for Bunny who wonders why I make a weird growl when he tries to touch my neck:



And, of course, "We've got crabs!":

GODDAM LEAF BLOWERS!!

I don't need a calendar. I can mark days by the arrival of the leaf blowers. Goddam mutherf**kers who use gas powered devices to move seven leaves 30 feet.

Suffering a monsoon on a Monday, they're here on Tuesday. Winter rainstorms? They're here Fridays. They're more accurate than the weatherman.

They fill the air with gas fumes. They make more noise than elephants on fire. They blow all the leaves and wood chips out of the mulch islands between the parking spots... The mulch areas where lazy dog owners send their dogs to shit at midnight.

Then the semi-soft turds catch leaf blower air and plaster themselves to our front doors... Or the dried out nuggets lodge under the wainscoting beneath those same doors.

And if you work graveyard shift, forget about a good night's sleep once a week, every week.

Asylum Street Spankers know our pain:



This is from their appearance on the Bob and Tom Show.

Scream For Arachnophobia [Spider Yelling]

Back when I lived in sunny CA, I inhabited a dwelling which maintained vertical height because termites held hands in the walls. This attracted a LOT of eight-legged roommates.

I was bitten. Often. And painfully.

Being allergic to bug spit sucks big fuzzy bug 'nads.
Unsurprisingly, I currently bear the fading pink mark of a vicious arachnid. I received the original bite FOUR MONTHS AGO.

I respect other peoples' right to respect all life forms. You like to relocate spiders? Congratulations on your symbiotic relationship with creatures who are, I seriously agree, integral to our ecosystem.

I like to introduce them to the insect tornado... My vacuum cleaner.

With that dark humor in mind, I'd like to present a video which makes me laugh every. freaking. time. I think it's the variation in Keen Keith's voice, like watching a cartoon. When I'm sad, this makes me laugh until I cry.

Thank you, Keith.

 

Men With Bikini Collections Rock

Did you think I died? Well, I did hit a medical brick wall, but I'm still looking for the joy in life and the people around me.

Please watch this video staring the hysterically funny Steve Kardynal. It will make you laugh until it hurts and keep you smiling all day long.

'Divinyl' Homage

Yes, I've been off the cyberwaves for a long time, so here's a little something to help string you along until my lazy hinder posts again:

UPDATE: 12/3/2012

The Titanic Twins removed my favorite video of a nipple-twisting karaoke version of the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself". I'm replacing it with what I'd like to retitle "Chronic Overdose Jesus". Don't try to understand, just enjoy the ride.

The YouTube profile is here: Titanic Twins...

And there are references to Christianity.

To me, it is unclear whether the religious references are sincere or sarcasm, but, either way, it's a huge chunk of awesome.

This Ain't Your Grandpa's Tool Shed

Please turn back now if you're under the age of 18, or sex toys offend you:

... you have been warned.

Preface: I have friends who work the graveyard shift (or they're insomniacs). Sometimes they get bored. Sometimes, I spend the wee morning hours messing around with them online, like a big happy game of cyber-tag...

Or cyber-"I tagged you with something outrageous, see if you can one-up me."




"Ahoy, matey! Call me Ahab! Thar she blows.... oh, nevermind."



This looks horrifying until you scroll down the stats section and realize it's only 1.5 ft. tall ("assembly required").




But wait! Here's a lovely little soldering gun with holder in girl-friendly pink!





Maybe not.





This one is very Shaun's-uniform-fetish after dark (and I think Chuck would laugh at it too):



Like Dr. Steel (TM) taking over the world, one "goody cabinet" at a time.








Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous!!! If you require heavy machinery, you need to GIVE "IT" A REST!!! Just because you beat the crap out of it [pun intended] before and it bounced back doesn't mean it's going to stay that way!!
Didn't your mother ever tell you that if you keep making that face, it'll freeze like that?!






Okay: stop. Just... stop.

At this point my horror movie-saturated mind pictures mechanical failure resulting in multiple stabbings. It also makes me think there's a room full of heterosexual, male engineering geeks out there who've watched too many episodes of Jackass.








OW OW OW!!! OH SWEET CHRIST! *THAT'S IT!* I'm finishing this wine and calling it a night!!

I have GOT to start going to bed before 4 a.m.

The Muppets Rock

This makes me so freaking happy.
During the rock crescendo, I instinctively began headbanging.

Happy Tuesday, everyone. Turn up your speakers, especially if you're in a cubicle.




Thanks to Jewels, who is definitely having a wonderful impact on her own little muppets.

One-Sided Conversation

When you post surveys or meme's on a social site, you should expect most people to ignore them.
To the masses, it's basically a Twitter Monologue.

However, there are those pen-and-paper dorks, such as I, who do most of our casual reading online these days... And read every line of every survey you post, frequently bursting into ironic laughter or verbally barking at the computer screen, "What do you mean you're a 'good girl'?! HELLO?!? Who was the first married lady to get naked in the hot tub at Girls Weekend in Vegas?!"


It's been a bit since we checked in with St. Nick... And guess who posted a survey.

"Let's Get Ready To RUMMM-BLE!":



Who do you think reads these?
no one.
[Oh, you foolish, foolish man.]


Are you reading any books right now?
The Yeats Reader but I got a bunch more for variety :)
[Good literary choice to balance out those bodice-rippers.]


Have you ever peed in the woods?
well yeah, who hasn't, you're not a whole person unless you become one with nature by peeing on it.
[But have you ever peed on yourself while peeing in the woods?]


Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
there's always music, in my head.
[Like your own soundtrack? I'm thinking yours is Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees.]


Do you chew your pens and pencils?
nope, more of a suckle, lol, jk
[Please tell me there's a blackmail photo on the web.]


What is your "Song of the Week"?
Simply Irresistible "She's a craze you'd endorse, she's a powerful force You're obliged to conform when there's no other course She used to look good to me, but now I find her

Simply irresistible"

[That's so St. Nick.]


Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
no
[Please, like you're not wearing a pink polo while you sip sangria and thumb Yeats.]


Whats your favorite love movie?
Before Sunrise..Sunset
[Okay, those are the favorites of the relationship/emotionally-challenged... and also Starshine's favorites... 'nuf said.]


Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
N/A
[BTDT. But were you wearing booty glitter at the time?]


What's upset you the most in the past week?
a cold onion, quatro, jager, whiskey, and beer.
[You and you macho man breakfasts, sheesh.]


When is the last time you said "i love you" to your number 1 on your top?
doesn't quite fit.
[Um, huh? Was that supposed to be "to your number 1 while they're on top"?]


When was the last time you cried?
When I had some super strong coffee and didn't blink for like 20 minutes.
[Ha ha; you rock.]


Is the last person you kissed more than a year older than you?
Dude, I went to a wedding, there were grannies there, so technically, many years older!
[Nothing says 'sexy' like the sweet taste of Bengay and Fixodent.]


You have to get a piercing, what do you get?
brow i suppose
[And if we bet you a lot of money on a dare?]


Do you like when people play with your hair?
Love it!
[...When it's old ladies fresh from bingo with a big jackpot to spend.]



Oh, St. Nick, how we enjoy your delicate balance of smart-ass and clown-with-disturbing-smile. I think it's time for more Pho, yo!

Friends and Breakups

One salvation from breaking up with a 'significant other': Friends.

When a relationship turns a corner, it can sometimes lead to hurt feelings or a broken heart. During these times, we lean on our friends and console ourselves with favored indulgences.


For most people, that means caloric food [booze counts] and autopsy of said relationship.





We talk about how it began with such hope and light-hearted aspiration.





We dream of surpassing past heart breaks and failures, to discover something wonderful...

But, the dark, maligned stars reveal the truth: you're dating the Douchebag/ette, the Princess, the Coward, the Whiner, the Mooch, the Mama's Boy/Daddy's Girl, the Hoochie, the Gay-In-The-Closet-Who-Adores-Johnny-Depp-More-Than-You, or myriad other Imps of Disaster.

Where's the cosmic fairness in that?! Didn't you do a good job this time around?! Why the hell can't you find someone 'stable'?!

*Grrrrrr*... GESTALT THERAPY!!!!

*WHAP* *SMACK* *RAWWWR!*

Oh, the humanity!! Is there a fried foods specialist in the house?

*OM NOM NOM NOM*

Problem solved.

*urp*


Thanks to Yolandar for reintroducing me to the fun of 'finger food' and presenting a clear perspective on relationships. Pass the blood sauce.

One Boy, One Towel

One boy... with a love of talc. One towel.















Cue hysterical laughter.



Oh, I so want to 'out' you, but I'll give you this one as a 'freebie'. Thanks for the unintentional giggle fest.

Leeroy Jenkins!

For those of you who have circulated beyond the reach of computer game enthusiasts, "MMORPG" is not a NASDAQ abbreviation or something you contract by french kissing livestock.

It stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game.



Otherwise known as the precursor to humanity's imminent assimilation:

...Because the more you play, the more stationary you become, and the easier it is for the tentacles to wrap and lock.




Some may concur with this summation:




And the marketing companies know just how to make a mundane carbonated beverage full of testes-shrinking Yellow Dye No.5 look like The S**t:



What they've concealed are the side effects of 23-hour gaming days and 12 cases of Dew:





When you have intravenous injections of high fructose corn syrup, who needs fresh air and physical human contact?



Okay, okay, I'm poking fun at the millions of people who truly enjoy such artistic digital masterpieces as World of Warcraft, Neverwinter Nights, Halo, Half-Life, etc.
Even lacking basic comprehension of MMORPG operation, you must have laughed at something related to the culture; therefore, you have benefited from their existence.

You can't tell me this doesn't brighten your day:




And remember: there's still a need out there for us pen-and-paper types...

[click on graphic for large, clear pic]

Big thanks to Bunny (recovered gamer) and Eshin (level 80 WoW Gawd) for their blog-inspiring input.

Adventures in Pussy Stroking

...Um, I mean "Cat-Sitting".


...With Yolandar's Crazy Cat, aka "Sunny", aka "Vampiric Furball Who Likes to Suckle Your Wrist Blood... And Nosh on that Potted Plant":





Having spent many, MANY hours with kitty, starting at age eight weeks, I have had time to become accustomed to the oddities of feline behavior, including Sunny's love of high places, such as a person's neck:

"I'll take Whiskas and dish of Pellegrino..."

"Bish, where my crunchies?! Don't make me slap you twice!"

Not to worry; Mary Poppins Auntie Ravedogg comes equipped with the proper medicine:






Nothing like a little kitty chronic and a plastic bag toy:

"Sweeeeeeeet."

My clever girl has all of her humans well trained for co-habitation:

When Mother's boyfriend snores?
Paw to the face.
...Followed by WWE wrestling move akin to smothering.

When Mother isn't up by breakfast time?
Paw to the face.
...Followed by facial drumming in tribal rhythm.



When you don't get immediate recognition of your feline greatness?

Poop in the shoe.

Works every time, sweetness.

Thanks (and happy belated birthday!!) to Eshin for introducing me to the animation of Simon Tofield (Simon's Cat). Wicked funny, that.

Silly Gumby: You Must Be Punished

I stumbled across this clip, and jacked it from Mental Floss. It reminded me of a few heavier Gumby and Pokey clips.

Interestingly, I know several people (myself included) who, as 8-year-olds, would have thought this this was freaking awesome...

Darkchyldren, this one's for you:




And top o'the witching hour to ya, me little Blarney butts.

Bootylicious Bakin'

I jacked this from Eshin... Whom I blame for infesting my brain with this tune... So I thought I'd spread it around (ha ha):




UPDATE [3/17/09]:
Crap... Ridiculous superfluous lawsuits over copyrights!!! I used to have an odd music clip here, but it was pulled from YouTube and I cannot find it elsewhere... Poopie.

Oh well; get stoned and watch the LazyTown vid three times... Or just think about the tabloid headlines that pink-haired girl will be inspiring in 4 years... "IT'S MILEY!!"


(~The Soup, trademark, copyright, all rights reserved, soooo meaty, etc.)

Eat Me, Drink Me, Play With My Manhole

Excuse me!?!

Once upon a time, there were two office employees magical fairy princesses assigned to clean out a storage room full of rat turds and fist-sized spiders. Reaching a bejeweled hand into a box of moldy books, one office beech princess cried, "Look! I have found a wonderful game! Let us rest and play with..."

Enticed by the vivid colors and modern art, the pair sat on their giant toadstools and began to 'fantasize' about 'exploring' the wonders of the Manhole:

Somehow, the lighthearted and whimsical tone seems mitigated by the force of the Manhole...

MANHOLE!

... because it's laced with GHB.

Or maybe they're subtly cautioning against, 'if he offers to slip your manhole a hot biscuit'...

Remember the days when software manuals were this simple?

Installation, huh? On most models, that comes standard.
(If this were a drinking game, "hard disk" would get you wasted in 10 min.)

The sequel, "the Womanhole", follows the same format of 'interactive exploration', but they keep that one locked up behind the counter.

FYI: I've been to The Mineshaft in Long Beach, CA. I argue that explains my jump into perverted reverie. Don't know about NotAvril... What's your excuse, lil' bit?

[Big thanks to NotAvril - a great coworker with a sweet nature and delightfully bent sense of humor, without whom this post would not have been possible. Good luck at grad school!]

Lizard the Beautiful

Beautiful without and beautiful within...

She understands fashion.

She has the 'snark'.

She's brilliant and talented... Even if her cohorts don't appreciate her sense.

She's grounded and wise... With a great dose of heart.

She's been with me for decades, despite all changes in our lives.

She makes me laugh, she makes me think... She's strong and yet human, a real work of art.

She speaks her mind, but never spews hate.

She lives with a balance of sarcasm and truth... I've seen her like marble; I've seen her concerned.

She relates life case by case; commentary is just that. She's wise and observant: no two lives are the same.

I'm proud to call her 'friend'. I'm honored to let her in.

In the back of a church, I said "I love you" to a young woman in a white dress... I meant it.

This is friendship. This is true.

May we live another fifty years to see it through.

Thank you.

[Thank you for taking my late night call. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for listening in this difficult time.]

DaFoWo Show, Yo!

This dry, witty, and well-scripted weekly serial out of Dallas-Ft. Worth, TX, is always a giggle. It's a local news review and social commentary, but that doesn't make the humor any less accessible to people across the country. If you let the player run for a bit, older episodes will continue playing.





Normally, I use nicknames for Pak members, but John was born to be a star! When we were children, he was always the sweetest kid. As an adult, John is exceedingly clever and his intellect surfaces in razor-sharp wit tempered by kindness and good manners...

Just plain adorable all around. Where is Hollywood with the big contracts?! Move it or lose it, people!