This Ain't Your Grandpa's Tool Shed

Please turn back now if you're under the age of 18, or sex toys offend you:

... you have been warned.

Preface: I have friends who work the graveyard shift (or they're insomniacs). Sometimes they get bored. Sometimes, I spend the wee morning hours messing around with them online, like a big happy game of cyber-tag...

Or cyber-"I tagged you with something outrageous, see if you can one-up me."




"Ahoy, matey! Call me Ahab! Thar she blows.... oh, nevermind."



This looks horrifying until you scroll down the stats section and realize it's only 1.5 ft. tall ("assembly required").




But wait! Here's a lovely little soldering gun with holder in girl-friendly pink!





Maybe not.





This one is very Shaun's-uniform-fetish after dark (and I think Chuck would laugh at it too):



Like Dr. Steel (TM) taking over the world, one "goody cabinet" at a time.








Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous!!! If you require heavy machinery, you need to GIVE "IT" A REST!!! Just because you beat the crap out of it [pun intended] before and it bounced back doesn't mean it's going to stay that way!!
Didn't your mother ever tell you that if you keep making that face, it'll freeze like that?!






Okay: stop. Just... stop.

At this point my horror movie-saturated mind pictures mechanical failure resulting in multiple stabbings. It also makes me think there's a room full of heterosexual, male engineering geeks out there who've watched too many episodes of Jackass.








OW OW OW!!! OH SWEET CHRIST! *THAT'S IT!* I'm finishing this wine and calling it a night!!

I have GOT to start going to bed before 4 a.m.

The Muppets Rock

This makes me so freaking happy.
During the rock crescendo, I instinctively began headbanging.

Happy Tuesday, everyone. Turn up your speakers, especially if you're in a cubicle.




Thanks to Jewels, who is definitely having a wonderful impact on her own little muppets.

One-Sided Conversation

When you post surveys or meme's on a social site, you should expect most people to ignore them.
To the masses, it's basically a Twitter Monologue.

However, there are those pen-and-paper dorks, such as I, who do most of our casual reading online these days... And read every line of every survey you post, frequently bursting into ironic laughter or verbally barking at the computer screen, "What do you mean you're a 'good girl'?! HELLO?!? Who was the first married lady to get naked in the hot tub at Girls Weekend in Vegas?!"


It's been a bit since we checked in with St. Nick... And guess who posted a survey.

"Let's Get Ready To RUMMM-BLE!":



Who do you think reads these?
no one.
[Oh, you foolish, foolish man.]


Are you reading any books right now?
The Yeats Reader but I got a bunch more for variety :)
[Good literary choice to balance out those bodice-rippers.]


Have you ever peed in the woods?
well yeah, who hasn't, you're not a whole person unless you become one with nature by peeing on it.
[But have you ever peed on yourself while peeing in the woods?]


Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
there's always music, in my head.
[Like your own soundtrack? I'm thinking yours is Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees.]


Do you chew your pens and pencils?
nope, more of a suckle, lol, jk
[Please tell me there's a blackmail photo on the web.]


What is your "Song of the Week"?
Simply Irresistible "She's a craze you'd endorse, she's a powerful force You're obliged to conform when there's no other course She used to look good to me, but now I find her

Simply irresistible"

[That's so St. Nick.]


Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
no
[Please, like you're not wearing a pink polo while you sip sangria and thumb Yeats.]


Whats your favorite love movie?
Before Sunrise..Sunset
[Okay, those are the favorites of the relationship/emotionally-challenged... and also Starshine's favorites... 'nuf said.]


Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
N/A
[BTDT. But were you wearing booty glitter at the time?]


What's upset you the most in the past week?
a cold onion, quatro, jager, whiskey, and beer.
[You and you macho man breakfasts, sheesh.]


When is the last time you said "i love you" to your number 1 on your top?
doesn't quite fit.
[Um, huh? Was that supposed to be "to your number 1 while they're on top"?]


When was the last time you cried?
When I had some super strong coffee and didn't blink for like 20 minutes.
[Ha ha; you rock.]


Is the last person you kissed more than a year older than you?
Dude, I went to a wedding, there were grannies there, so technically, many years older!
[Nothing says 'sexy' like the sweet taste of Bengay and Fixodent.]


You have to get a piercing, what do you get?
brow i suppose
[And if we bet you a lot of money on a dare?]


Do you like when people play with your hair?
Love it!
[...When it's old ladies fresh from bingo with a big jackpot to spend.]



Oh, St. Nick, how we enjoy your delicate balance of smart-ass and clown-with-disturbing-smile. I think it's time for more Pho, yo!

Friends and Breakups

One salvation from breaking up with a 'significant other': Friends.

When a relationship turns a corner, it can sometimes lead to hurt feelings or a broken heart. During these times, we lean on our friends and console ourselves with favored indulgences.


For most people, that means caloric food [booze counts] and autopsy of said relationship.





We talk about how it began with such hope and light-hearted aspiration.





We dream of surpassing past heart breaks and failures, to discover something wonderful...

But, the dark, maligned stars reveal the truth: you're dating the Douchebag/ette, the Princess, the Coward, the Whiner, the Mooch, the Mama's Boy/Daddy's Girl, the Hoochie, the Gay-In-The-Closet-Who-Adores-Johnny-Depp-More-Than-You, or myriad other Imps of Disaster.

Where's the cosmic fairness in that?! Didn't you do a good job this time around?! Why the hell can't you find someone 'stable'?!

*Grrrrrr*... GESTALT THERAPY!!!!

*WHAP* *SMACK* *RAWWWR!*

Oh, the humanity!! Is there a fried foods specialist in the house?

*OM NOM NOM NOM*

Problem solved.

*urp*


Thanks to Yolandar for reintroducing me to the fun of 'finger food' and presenting a clear perspective on relationships. Pass the blood sauce.

One Boy, One Towel

One boy... with a love of talc. One towel.















Cue hysterical laughter.



Oh, I so want to 'out' you, but I'll give you this one as a 'freebie'. Thanks for the unintentional giggle fest.

Leeroy Jenkins!

For those of you who have circulated beyond the reach of computer game enthusiasts, "MMORPG" is not a NASDAQ abbreviation or something you contract by french kissing livestock.

It stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game.



Otherwise known as the precursor to humanity's imminent assimilation:

...Because the more you play, the more stationary you become, and the easier it is for the tentacles to wrap and lock.




Some may concur with this summation:




And the marketing companies know just how to make a mundane carbonated beverage full of testes-shrinking Yellow Dye No.5 look like The S**t:



What they've concealed are the side effects of 23-hour gaming days and 12 cases of Dew:





When you have intravenous injections of high fructose corn syrup, who needs fresh air and physical human contact?



Okay, okay, I'm poking fun at the millions of people who truly enjoy such artistic digital masterpieces as World of Warcraft, Neverwinter Nights, Halo, Half-Life, etc.
Even lacking basic comprehension of MMORPG operation, you must have laughed at something related to the culture; therefore, you have benefited from their existence.

You can't tell me this doesn't brighten your day:




And remember: there's still a need out there for us pen-and-paper types...

[click on graphic for large, clear pic]

Big thanks to Bunny (recovered gamer) and Eshin (level 80 WoW Gawd) for their blog-inspiring input.

Adventures in Pussy Stroking

...Um, I mean "Cat-Sitting".


...With Yolandar's Crazy Cat, aka "Sunny", aka "Vampiric Furball Who Likes to Suckle Your Wrist Blood... And Nosh on that Potted Plant":





Having spent many, MANY hours with kitty, starting at age eight weeks, I have had time to become accustomed to the oddities of feline behavior, including Sunny's love of high places, such as a person's neck:

"I'll take Whiskas and dish of Pellegrino..."

"Bish, where my crunchies?! Don't make me slap you twice!"

Not to worry; Mary Poppins Auntie Ravedogg comes equipped with the proper medicine:






Nothing like a little kitty chronic and a plastic bag toy:

"Sweeeeeeeet."

My clever girl has all of her humans well trained for co-habitation:

When Mother's boyfriend snores?
Paw to the face.
...Followed by WWE wrestling move akin to smothering.

When Mother isn't up by breakfast time?
Paw to the face.
...Followed by facial drumming in tribal rhythm.



When you don't get immediate recognition of your feline greatness?

Poop in the shoe.

Works every time, sweetness.

Thanks (and happy belated birthday!!) to Eshin for introducing me to the animation of Simon Tofield (Simon's Cat). Wicked funny, that.

Silly Gumby: You Must Be Punished

I stumbled across this clip, and jacked it from Mental Floss. It reminded me of a few heavier Gumby and Pokey clips.

Interestingly, I know several people (myself included) who, as 8-year-olds, would have thought this this was freaking awesome...

Darkchyldren, this one's for you:




And top o'the witching hour to ya, me little Blarney butts.